A few weeks ago, I heard that my 'god-child' was getting married. She told me very enthusiastically that I simply 'had' to be there for her wedding. When I asked when it would be, she said May. Sadly, I told her there was no way I could be there in may, and that I wouldn't be able to come that way until November, and she said that she would wait until then, because she wanted me to be there that much.
Part of me knew that it probably wasn't realistic to think that she would actually wait until November, but I admit being thrilled at the possibility to be there for her special day. She's been in my life for almost 20 years and part of that time I lived with her and her family and helped raise her.
I haven't spoken to her since that night, and two days ago my mom received an email from her brother (who is actually my God-Childs dad) and one of the things he mentioned was that she was getting married on May 1st.
As mom read me the email, I sat silently on the phone as the tears ran down my face. I won't be there for this special day in her life.
In April, the closest person to being a sister to me (since I don't technically have a sister- my moms best friends daughter, who is my dear dear friend) is also getting married. She has no friends other than me, and she expressed wanting me to be there, and I explained that I can't possibly be there in that time frame, and that as much as I would like to be there, it just isn't possible. While they haven't selected and/or sent out invitations, the wedding still stands in April.
During this time that I cried silently, I told mom (who knew I was crying) that I felt like these people who have always meant so much were slowly slipping out of my life, as I no longer had a value in their life because I wasn't 'there'.
She said that she would be 'here' with us during that time, and it was something to look forward to, and that she wasn't feeling sad because she wouldn't be at the weddings either.
She is right about that. I celebrate the fact that she and my dad will be 'here' during the most beautiful time of the year, but yet I can't help but feel a emptiness, a sadness of knowing that the friendships and relationships that I've made sure to try to continue to nurture even at this great distance, have become less important to them.
It is one of those things in life, that 'is what it is' but yet in spite of that, I've done all that I can in maintaining the relationship, and I believe people make the time for what is important to them.
Even though I know they will always be friends and family, I can't help but have a sense of sadness knowing that 'me' being there isn't as important to them as they wanted me to believe it is.
Maybe I'm being selfish. I dunno. Either way, there isn't much that I can do about it, and I know that given a little time, the sting shall pass- as all things do eventually pass.
I found this quote today and fell in love with it. I'm putting it here to serve as a reminder.
“What sunshine is to flowers, smiles are to humanity. These are but trifles, to be sure; but scattered along life's pathway, the good they do is inconceivable.”
Joseph Addison
